Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 65 - Bart Oates

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Frylock: Hello?
Meatwad: Hello?
Frylock: Hello?
Meatwad: Hello.
Frylock: Hello.
Meatwad: Hello?
Frylock: Hello.
Meatwad: Hello?
Frylock: I'm here.
Meatwad: Oh, okay...hey man. How's it going?
Frylock: Do you know what time it is?
Meatwad: Do you? Cause it's-it's 4:20 somewhere. Heh heh, I know that... Ain't that the phrase?
Frylock: Are you drunk?
Meatwad: Mmm-hmm
Master Shake: Gimmie that, phone. Look, before I start speaking, don't even think about gettin angry because if you do, I swear that I will hang up on you!
Frylock: Shake, what is it, what's wrong?
Master Shake: Okay, you're jumpin in already, okay. We got into a little bit of trouble.
Meatwad: Tell him nothing's wrong.
Master Shake: But let me preface by saying...we were framed.
Frylock: What?
Master Shake: We were just the guys that happened to be there!
Meatwad: We were framed.
Master Shake: It was a total setup.
Frylock: Alright, what was a setup?
Master Shake: Wow, now why would I talk to someone who speaks to me in that tone?

bartoates1.mp3

Frylock: Just tell me what it is you did wrong!
Master Shake: Oh, what?! You think you did ever--everything right?
Frylock: Okay. I see what's happening here. You got another DUI didn't you?
Meatwad: Hang up on his ass.
Frylock: I'm gonna have to bus down there, okay?!
Master Shake: I'm gonna have to take the bus from now on permanently! According to what some guy told me. And I ain't riding that cheese box! It's a major deterent for the women!
Meatwad: Women will not kiss you on the bus.
Frylock: Okay, look. It's gonna take me awhile--
Meatwad: Hang up on him.

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Carl: Hey Fryman. I got this post-it note that was left on the curb for me. "Thanks for car. M.S."
Frylock: Oh man.
Carl: Yeah.
Frylock: Ah I'm sure it'll be back.
Carl: Ya think? That'd be so thoughtful.

Carl: Hey, uh, you like football, right? You a big football man?
Frylock: No, actually, I don't like sports in general.
Carl: But, I mean, you like jerseys, right?
Frylock: Uhh.
Carl: Cause I got some Giants wear, super cheap, too. Active wear, it's for the total ultimate fan! Check it out.
Frylock: Carl, I really don't....

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Carl: Bam! ...don't worry about this rip. I just uh accidentally ripped it pulling it out of the box.
Frylock: Are the "Gnats" a team?
Carl: Nah. "Gnats"? What da frick- it's supposed to be the Giants! I friggin' told them immigrants! No wonder they cut me a deal. What a deal! They probably don't even have giants in their country; they're so frickin' tiny. Look at this crap. Half of them dissolved in the box.
Frylock: Well, you know what they say "you get what you pay for."
Carl: I tell ya what: how 'bout I take 20% off.
Frylock: How 'bout no.
Carl: Aw c'mon man, I seen you flyin' around so fast. People won't even notice, right? High-five football fan.
Frylock: I really don't like sports Carl.
Carl: ..Oh yeah? Well, you're a f**!

Master Shake: Look, it's the third house on the right.
Homeless Guy: Yep.
Master Shake: Fell free to crash there.
Homeless Guy: Go there and drop me a poop.
Master Shake: Yeah!
Meatwad: He'll be cool with it.
Homeless Guy: I'll be cool with it too.
Master Shake: There's a big computer in there, too. You like the internet? Use all you want.
Homeless Guy: Use all I want.

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Master Shake: Oh, very important. Security code.
Meatwad: We ain't got none.
Master Shake: So just go right in.
Homeless Guy: ...pants stuck to my butt..
Meatwad: When is Frylock gettin' here?
Master Shake: I don't know, but I'm pissed about it.

Bart Oates: Get up, Carl.
Carl: Huh? What-what? You're-you're Bart Oates, the center for the Super Bowl Giants, '87 and '91!! The G-Man, yeah! Take the TV, take whatever you need to get by.
Bart Oates: What are you talking about? I don't need you're money, Carl.
Carl: Let me tell you, January 27, 1991, best friggin day of my life! Norwood missin wide, friggin' Tuna coachin on the sideline, you, like, uh, hikin the ball, you know. Did you come here to kill me?
Bart Oates: No, Carl.
Carl: Oh that's so great.

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Bart Oates: The "Gnats"?? What is this Carl?
Carl: Oh, that? It's uh.. it's just, uh, it's a tribute! To your majesty.
Bart Oates: Carl, by doing this you're taking food out of NFL player's mouths!
Carl: I'm so sorry, Bart... but, dude! I followed your whole Pro Bowl season in '90. You had a sack prevented index, it's like 0.9! It's ridiculous! Your blocking ratio was 4-to-1. You were playing out of your mind that season! And then 1994, you frickin' signed with the 'Niners. You broke my frickin' heart, Bart. You pancaked it!
Bart Oates: I was there when you destroyed my poster, and you said, "I hope he gets injured."
Carl: Flashback Enjoy San Francisco, pansy! I hope you tear your ACL, jackass!!
Carl: I said that?
Bart Oates: Three years later, I had knee surgery, and I had to retire, Carl.
Carl: So, I, I made you, have like knee surgery by saying that?
Bart Oates: In a way, yes, you did.
Carl: That's awesome. I mean, I'm sorry in retrospect, but that's so awesome I was able to do that! I hate the 'Niners!

Bart Oates: So, Carl, I want you to do something for me.
Carl: You want some Gnats t-shirts, for your family? I'll cut you a deal, we'll go 40% off on these.
Bart Oates: Hey, Carl, you wanna be a winner? You gotta lay off the salty foods. Don't drink so much. Try some exercise. Maybe go out with a woman you didn't have to pay. Sex isn't everything.
Neither is the band Boston. If you wanna be a champ you gotta pay the price, man, you gotta go all the way. Listen to what I'm tellin you, Carl. Listen to what I'm tellin you.
Carl: Wait, Bart Oates, wait! I got so many stats I wanna throw at you... ...He's gone.

Master Shake: I'm so hungover. Did you see me poundin those daiquiris at the bar last night? I was a maniac, what was I thinking!
Meatwad: You pounded one.
Master Shake: Well I pound what I can afford.
Meatwad: Hey, my man over here, he wants a daiquiri now. He says I gots to smuggle one back in up my butt hole.
Master Shake: Woah. Fresh or the mixed.
Meatwad: Fresh.
Master Shake: Oh God, that would be so cold.

Carl: One. Alright, let's take a break
Bart Oates: Whoa, you just burned a third of a gram of fat, man.
Carl: That's good, right? Yeah that's good.
Bart Oates: Not good enough. You need to do more laps and try not touching the bottom of the pool so much.
Carl: How did you know?
Bart Oates: Carl, I know everything.

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Frylock: Hey Carl. What's up?
Carl: Oh crap. Hide.
Frylock: Hide? From what?
Carl: From uh...
Bart Oates: Just play it off as a joke.
Carl: ...From uh, you know.. black people've been runnin' around here.
Bart Oates: ...That's not really a joke Carl.
Carl: C'mon man, I'm tryin'.

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Frylock: Okay, Carl look--I felt really bad about your car, so I brought you some fresh parsley and oregano from my herb garden.
Carl: Oh, great. Weeds. This will help me get to the strip club. Where's my frickin' car?!?
Frylock: Well, it's kinda been impounded.
Carl: What?!? You tell me right now, Fry Man, where my frickin' car is, or I'm going to rip that paper box head of yours in half!
Bart Oates: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy Carl. You don't want a penalty for roughing the neighbor. I mean, that's fifteen yards and that hurts the team.
Frylock: Whoa, whoa, hey, Carl!
Carl: It's okay, it's okay. I'm not mad. Okay? So, uh, where's my f-ing car, please, sir?

Master Shake: Carl! Well, well, well! Look who's off to the slammer.
Carl: I bailed you out, dumbass.
Master Shake: Oh, well, good. I'm drivin', let's go.
Meatwad: I'm drivin'.
Master Shake: No! You have no control of your bladder!
Bart Oates: Hey, Carl, what're you doing? You gotta go back. That's not right.
Carl: You are tryin' my patience, Bart Oates. What do you want from me?!

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Carl: Look, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way!
Bart Oates: Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this.
Carl: All right, all right, all right, look...reset. I am very glad that the forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not lookin' both ways! I did not wave you on, I was flippin' you off!
Bart Oates: Carl …
Carl: OK ... all right. I'm sorry, you're dead.
Bart Oates: You're in the red zone now, buddy, you gotta close the deal.
Carl: Well, me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't never gonna bring you back--
Bart Oates: Be a champ. Go all the way.
Carl: --OK, I'M SORRY I HIT YOU, ALL RIGHT?!? And that's as sorry as I'm ever gonna be. You were old. I could tell!

Carl: Okay, guys, look, I'm sorry that I made an assload of money selling these in the parking lot of your show. They ain't supposed to say "Chicano", it was them dumbass immigrants I had working for me. Anyways I want you to have this. 20% off on these.
Bart Oates: Hey, Carl, you're offsides, buddy.
Carl: Alright, look, here's the money I made on it.
Bart Oates: $40 dollars in change?
Carl: Damn it, you know everything. Alright, look, I'll, umm, I'll make out a check to, uh, how about I make it out to Chicago? Alright, friggin cash, fine!
Chicago Guy #1: Who was that?
Chicago Guy #2: I don't know, but check it out. 43 dollars in change. Alright!

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Carl: I don't recognize this place.
Bart Oates: Carl, huddle up. This is Linda Hamilton's house. She is destined to play Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And Sarah will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines.
Carl: Well, I mean she's already been in that movie.
Bart Oates: Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton.
Carl: What're you talking about man? She's an actress.
Bart Oates: C'mon Carl. Ya gotta do it brother. Ya gotta go all the way. Do it for Tuna, do it for L.T. C'mon man, this is our house. This is Linda's house. We gotta run a trap and you gotta lay a big hurt on Linda.
Carl: "Lay a big hurt on"- listen to yourself. She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid!
Bart Oates: "Stupid?" Are you kidding me? Listen man, when I had my knee surgery the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery. Wanna see?
Carl: Looks like they did it on a budget. I don't see any computers in there.
Bart Oates: What?
Carl: Lotta cans here.
Bart Oates: Oh man, the computers lied to me.
Carl: Ah, ya think?
Bart Oates: Oh no! My whole life is a sham!
Linda Hamilton's Alarm System: Intruders!
Carl: All right drama queen, let's get outta here before Linda wakes up.

Master Shake: (Frylock pulls a BB out of Carl's brain) Whoa. What the hell is that?
Frylock: It's a BB. It was lodged in his frontal lobe. But how did he get a B.B. in his brain?
Bart Oates: Flashback Milkshake, we're in the goal line offense, baby, you gotta score. You're a champ, buddy. Go all the way.
Carl: (Shake shoots Carl with BB) Ah!
Meatwad: Shoot, I don't know, I need to figure out how shove a daiquiri up my butt.